


The Boy Who Shagged Hogwarts

by Chrysanthos



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Harry discovers true despair, Harry has no idea what the hell is going on, Hogwarts Fourth Year, In which Hermione does shit, The AU we all deserve, and Ron isn't in this fanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-04
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-30 01:58:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5146043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chrysanthos/pseuds/Chrysanthos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been a week since Rita Skeeter's essay on Hermione Granger, and Hermione has decided to take revenge in a most unusual way.</p><p>Absolutely no relation to canon whatsoever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Boy Who Shagged Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this was inspired by a post on Tumblr but I cannot for the life of me find it so if anyone finds it please put it in a comment so that I can link it or something thank you.
> 
> This is my first Harry Potter fanfiction, so please enjoy!
> 
> Edit: I found the post! Here it is! I have no idea how to put links but here! http://eugostoderaposas.tumblr.com/post/131438517647

It was another day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and Hermione Jean Granger had not spoken to anyone for an entire week.

  
Well, that wasn't entirely true, Harry supposed. Hermione simply hadn't spoken to him or Ron. Harry HAD seen Hermione speaking to other people during the week, namely Neville, Susan, Lavender and Parvati (Hermione was on better terms with them after the Yule Ball), and Krum, but he had no idea what they were talking about, and whenever he caught up with her she was either knitting more incredibly unfashionable scarves to leave about the common room or writing in a small book labeled with a large blue "X".

  
Harry was pretty sure he should have been concerned about that.

  
Nonetheless, he made his way down to breakfast. Enough people had stopped believing that he had placed himself into the tournament ( _Funny how outflying an angry dragon tends to put people on your side_ , Harry thought with a hint of bitterness.) that he could at least make his way to breakfast without suddenly being accosted by the Creevys playing paparazzi and Gryffindors or Slytherins demanding how he pulled it off. Now it was just the Creevys.

  
As Harry ate his breakfast, he noticed Hermione sit next to him, wordlessly taking a croissant and some strawberries. Harry looked at his friend and was almost speechless; Hermione looked terrible. Her hair was bushier than normal, her eyes had huge bags underneath them, and her robe was distinctly ruffled, as if she had spent most of the night trying to fight some winged beast. Hermione looked at him with bleary cheerfulness, and nodded as she took a distinctly unladylike bite out of her bread.

  
That was when the mail came. As usual, an unseasonably large plethora of owls descended from the rafters where they had been waiting for their recipients to arrive, and proceeded to give their charges the mail. This time, however, Harry noticed a large amount of the same breed of owls, which was often a sign of the general media coming in to fuck him royally in the ass. Harry was about to just shove the entire banana he had down his throat (a skill he learned at the Dusleys' after too many temper tantrums from Dudley. Harry would discover in the future that this meant he had absolutely zero gag reflex.) when he saw that Hermione had gotten a copy of _The Daily Prophet_ as well. It was as Hermione was wearily looking for the required five knuts that Harry noticed the headline:

  
**_GRANGER TELLS ALL: HARRY POTTER, THE BOY WHO SHAGGED?_ **

  
Harry stared. And stared some more. And kept staring even as Hermione had paid the damn bird and picked up the paper. Slowly, he turned to Fay Dunbar (who was sitting inbetween him and Ron today for some reason), and saw the headline for _Quidditch Quarterly_ :

  
**_POTTER'S PREFERRED BROOMSTICKS: TALES FROM THE LOCKERS_ **

  
Quite alarmed, Harry finally got up and went over to Neville. Good ol' Neville would never have... Whatever the hell this was, right?

  
Harry was dismayed to find Neville glued to his copy of _The Quibbler_ , which had the succint headline of

  
**_HARRY POTTER FUCKS MOST OF HOGWARTS, PAGE 56_ **

  
Entirely defeated, Harry sank into the nearest seat, which happened to be the seat next to Ginny, with a copy of _Witch Weekly_ and their particular spin on today's odd, Harry Potter-related news.

  
What the fuck was going on?  
  


\--

  
As it turned out, as Harry later learned, everything was going on.

  
Following Rita Skeeter's particularly biting exaggeration of Hermione's almost-nonexistant promiscuity (a fact known by literally everyone who had known her), Hermione had taken the story into her own hands simply by writing to the _Prophet_ all the sordid details regarding her explicit relations with Harry.

  
In other words, she had made up the whole thing.

  
However, in doing so, she had made the fatal mistake of asking Fred and George Weasley to do the proofreading. While they had done a phenomenal job (and had even used red ink to point out where, exactly, things could be reworded, an act that Hermione was very grateful for), they had also gotten into their heads that this had the potential to be the greatest prank to hit Wizarding Britain (and maybe France and Bulgaria, if they could get Fleur and Krum in on it).

  
As it turned out, Fred (or maybe George) had indeed gotten Fleur and Krum on it, who got their Potter stories published in _Le petit fleur de lis_ and _магия новини_ , respectively. George (or was it Fred?), meanwhile, had contacted Oliver Wood about getting stories for _Quidditch Quarterly_.

  
Unfortunately, George/Fred had gotten Oliver's address from Cedric Diggory, who then told Severus Snape, who was the nearest teacher available. Severus Snape, instead of actually doing anything to stop this madness, realized an opportunity to make Harry Potter despair, and told Blaise Zabini (who's mother had a stock in _Witch Weekly_ ) to make his own story and send it to his mother.

  
Blaise Zabini, however, is a sucker for pineapple candy, so the minute he was alone, Ginny and Luna Lovegood ambushed him, tied him up, stole his shoelaces (an action suggested by Luna that got her some looks from Blaise and Ginny), and then bribed him with candy so that he told them what they wanted to know.

  
Ginny and Luna then decided to also write a story, and went to get help writing it from Seamus, Dean, and Neville, who told Lavender and Parvati about the reason Hermione was asking them their opinions on Harry, and things spiraled out of control from there.

  
So, to make a very long story short, Hermione learned a valuable lesson about asking Fred and George for advice, Harry got millions of ho stories told about him that never happened but made for quite a trip when he actually did read through them (he especially liked the one with Percy Weasley and Blaise Zabini in the Prefect's Bath with the Blood Pops. It was like playing a magical version of Sexy Clue.), and Ron had absolutely no idea what the fuck was going on but stared at Harry at odd intervals for the next ten years.  
  


All in all, it was a good week to be the general media, who had raked in millions of galleons through the amount of papers sold alone. Life went on.


End file.
